Having Difficult Conversations
We often find ourselves at the same table with people with whom we have had disagreements, or some type of hurtful exchange in the past. It could be at your family dinner table, at the office, or other event. Sometimes there are certain subjects among friends, co-workers, and acquaintances which are left unresolved, and certain situations when we feel like an apology is owed. What can you do in this kind of situation?
First, decide what you want to accomplish before you even arrive at this function…
Do you want to just leave that “sore subject” alone?
Do you want to possibly have a private conversation to try to make things right?
Do you want to avoid this person completely?
Do you want to be able to connect with them at the function, but keep things light?
It really helps to be prepared, knowing a particular person might be present. So let’s cover a few options for you…
You can just stay home. You might laugh, but if you are so angry that you may cause a scene, and you don’t trust yourself, just take the pressure off yourself and don’t go. Don’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. No need to make other people happy. Be more concerned about your own feelings in this situation!
You can talk with him/her, but keep the conversation light. Be prepared to talk about things on which you agree. Maybe you can show photos of the family, or ask about their family. Work is always a good subject to keep a conversation going. Ask questions that are open-ended, as it makes the person feel as if you are interested in what they say.
Or you can have a serious conversation, but I would encourage you to keep a few things in mind…
-Wait until a few minutes before you leave before you have the conversation
-Make sure no one else is around, so that it remains very private
-Try to make it very casual, and not “serious” with drama…”Hey John, I was just thinking about the other Saturday when you and I were headed to the store. I remember that talk we had and I just didn’t feel right after I left. I would love to talk with you about it.”
-Use “I” statements, don’t use accusatory language. This means saying, “I was just thinking about that day, and I remember just feeling very hurt that I was maybe misunderstood,” as opposed to , “You ALWAYS talk down to me and make me feel stupid!”
-Affirm anything that you know is good with the relationship before you say something difficult: “John, I really appreciate you man, you have always been there for me. I did want to share something with you though…”
-LISTEN! And I mean REALLY listen. Let him/her know you are listening. Try to understand the feelings and thoughts.
