Reparenting and Talking Yourself Down
Anxiety can be painful and overwhelming, just like life. These skills really are about giving you back control of your life - using your own legitimate self-love to take care of and nurture yourself. This is a difficult concept for people who have grown up without a nurturing and loving parent. I believe you have everything you need inside of you to be this nurturing person for yourself.
Self-talk is one of the best skills you can develop to calm yourself and soothe your anxious mind and heart. I often advise my clients about the idea of reparenting. Imagine if you had a six year old child who was very afraid. Maybe there is bad weather coming, and he or she is afraid. As a parent, you might also have some worrisome thoughts about a coming tornado. But I'll bet you would hold that little girl and promise her everything is going to be alright. You would speak to her gently, reassuring her that she is safe.
Now think about yourself. Imagine yourself at that same age. Think about all the things you experienced - fear, painful circumstances, transitions. There are many things that would have made you fearful, anxious, and sad. Re-parenting is all about becoming your own parent. You have learned a lot since you were a child. You likely take care of yourself, have responsibilities, and hopefully, family members with whom you connect. And while you are an adult today, there is a good chance you may be “stuck emotionally” at a certain age. Much of the current negative feelings we experience today are due to the ways in which we experienced life’s difficulties earlier in life. There was no one to help us, soothe us, comfort us, and tell us everything was going to be okay. So now, you as the adult have the opportunity to speak to your “inner child” and help him or her process what is happening. You can talk yourself down from anxious and negative situations.
Talking yourself down is about literally talking to yourself in a way that is calming and nurturing. You might ask, "But what do I say to myself when I've never done this before?" Here are some suggestions. But first, use your first name when talking to yourself :
You are going to be okay
Nothing bad is going to happen to you
This is all going to pass, it won't last long
You are strong and courageous. You've got this. You can handle this.
There's nothing to be afraid of
Let's get ourself together. We can do this.
You are safe and secure, nothing to fear
You can get through this.
This might feel strange, as you have never done this before. Remember, when it comes to our thought life, the loudest voice wins. This means that we speak to ourselves in our mind, but we seldom speak to ourselves verbally and out loud. The loudest of these two voices is the one that will determine what you feel and do. That is what thoughts do. They influence our feelings and behaviors. Speak to yourself and talk yourself down as you feel anxious or sad. It works!
