Setting Appropriate Boundaries
One of the aspects of codependency is that we make attempts to please others at the expense of our own needs. People who are codependent thrive on making others happy, even when it hurts themselves. The goal is to try to make everyone else happy and to never expect happiness yourself. In this codependent way of living, we tend to devalue ourselves. We fear rejection and abandonment, and so the need to please others feels like a mandate for ourselves, lest we find ourselves alone and abandoned.
One of the healthy actions we can engage in is to set appropriate boundaries with others. The idea of boundaries is about seeing yourself in a different way - someone who deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. There will be a need to set a boundary when we feel our sense of self-concept and value is being violated. Boundaries place a fence around yourself - in a good way - to protect you from intrusive actions which can intrude upon your sense of dignity and respect. There are people who can say and do things that are guilt-ridden, demeaning, mean, unkind, belittling, argumentative, and many other types of intrusions.
Some people think that the process of setting boundaries is a “big event.” But that’s not true. Setting boundaries happens incrementally as you interact with the people around you, one situation at a time.
One of the most important ways we set boundaries is by creating boundary statements. These are phrases you can adopt that best express your thoughts in an amicable, clear, and assertive manner. Here is some examples:
“No, I can’t do that.” When someone is expecting you to do something, and you don’t wish to do it, to decline them would mean them possibly rejecting or guilting you. You have to be able to love yourself enough to guard your time and resources. There is no need to explain your reasons why, as that is not their concern.
“I can see that you are really upset about this issue. You really need to decide what you’re going to do about that.” When someone brings up a problem, sometimes that problem is not about you, but about their own issues. Boundary intruders are good at blaming and want to overpower you and see you retreat and apologize, and even more so when you are not to blame. You have to refuse to accept responsibility for the feelings of others. Allow accusers to take responsibility for their own perceptions and actions and triggers.
“If you continue to yell at me, I’m going to leave for a while.” You need never be anyone’s verbal punching bag. There is no rule of relationships that says you must listen to another person berating you, cursing at you, or otherwise verbally abusing you. Again, love yourself enough to exit quickly when the yelling starts.
Some helpful pointers to remember as you have conversations with boundary intruders
First, resist the urge to apologize. People-pleasers are famous for feeling the need to apologize at every turn when they sense they are disappointing someone. No apology is necessary in most cases. When you have to decline someone, you can say…
“I appreciate the opportunity but have to pass for this one. Maybe another time!”
Read this statement and notice how there is no indication of “I’m sorry” “Please forgive me” or “I hope you don’t mind.” These terms put you at a huge disadvantage with another person when discussing perceived expectations. Apologizing is about acknowledging a mistake you have made. Notice how it is not a mistake to decline a request or demand. The person is asking something of you, and you are simply not making yourself available. So why do we apologize so frequently?
This is because we have that conviction that we owe others. We truly believe we owe others our time, attention, and resources. If we have a spare moment in our day, that moment seems to be reserved for the pleasure of everyone else except ourselves. It’s our moment! We can do with that time period whatever we like! We do not owe our time to others 100% of the time.
Second, resist the urge to explain yourself. You see, behind this need is that we want the other person to be okay with our decision to decline. We want them to be happy, and not disappointed in our response. So, to ensure they are completely at ease with our boundary, we feel the need to explain the reason why we must decline. But it’s just not necessary.
However, some people are accustomed to getting what they expect from you. These people will pry and probe at your motive and your calendar. “Well, you’re not busy all day, are you? Surely you can do this after work, right?”, they might ask. It seems logical at first. But you must remember that you do not owe them the request. It is your time to decide how to use it, whether it is convenient or inconvenient for you. You can simply respond by saying, “yeah, as I said, I appreciate the opportunity, but I’ll have to decline for now.”
No explanation. No apology. No expectation that they will be okay with your answer.
Third, have confidence in your response. You get to have an opinion and a vote about how you use your time. Assuming the request is not your boss, you can confidently decline a request. The secret to this, and other responses, is giving yourself permission to have your best interest at heart when deciding whether to agree to a request. Have confidence in that.
Remember, that the people in your life who regularly take advantage of your good nature know you. They know how to persuade you. They know your soft spot. But you can change this. By all means, please continue to be kind and caring. But now you must become unpredictable in your responses. They are expecting the pushover. So be that person who says no. Be the person who has no problem being honest about your feelings and availability.
